Start is not on the same planet as Finish

I had such high expectations for this blog when I started it. Unfortunately, like most things in my life, the ADHD diagnosis and discovery process lost its sparkle after a while and back to my old habits I went.

But the few comments I did receive were so validating to me. I spent so much time searching the internet for someone who could describe how I was feeling and how i operate. I want to just describe what I’m dealing with so it’s at least available for someone to read even if I can’t offer any good solutions.

Question: Do any of you with attention issues (diagnosed or not) feel that you are REALLY good at avoiding things or people or situations or MESSES that stress you out? I have an amazing ability to say “no, no, i can’t think about my messy living room right now” to the point that I don’t even sit in it anymore, nevermind dare to let another human being see it. It’s not that it doesn’t bother me. But it is so much easier to shut down and ignore it than it is to face it and find a way to maintain a BALANCED set of habits. I know my environment affects me in a big way. But I am so easily overwhelmed and so happily engaged by video games or tv or books or Skype or anything at all that takes my mind off things that seem too hard to even start.

Logically, I know everything would be easier in the long run if I just kept up with basic things (cleaning, money, etc) on a regular basis. But in the moment, I can’t bring myself to think about them until they are screaming in my face and demanding immediate attention. When there’s a crisis, I deal. Otherwise, you can find me on minecraft.

Adderall is a wonderful thing. It makes me enjoy the basic act of existing. It reminds me of how I feel coming out of a really good movie. I want to sit down and write something, or talk to people, or just feel good. But unlike a good movie, adderall lasts all day. It makes my job fun, takes away the constant need to get the hell out of wherever I am.

But….. Guess what! If I don’t change my habits, I end up taking the benefits of adderall and using them to be REALLY efficient at a lot of REALLY pointless things while happily ignoring all of the stupid tasks I needed help with in the first place. Sure, with meds, it is easier to clean for a long time or start (and finish) a project at work. But I still have to make the choice to start. And I really have not been making that choice.

You could compare my efforts to strengthening a muscle. Every time I walk away from the computer and do something I don’t want to do (but that needs to be done), I’m strengthening that part of me that disregards immediate gratification. But, I just haven’t been doing that. I live in the moment. Every single moment matters when it is happening and not a moment before.

I know there’s a way to get things moving in the right direction. But how do I get there when I find it so hard to even start?

Anyone relate?

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First 30 Minutes

I’m driving to work (late) thinking about coffee that I do not have time to buy. It’s 7:04 AM. The car radio outs a man for cheating on his wife while something is scraping under the car.

NEW THOUGHT!

Toyota called on Tuesday and there are several safety recalls to get fixed. But the front left headlight is still out after the accident in August and I should get that fixed too. Local mechanic said he would fix it for free but he thinks I’m an idiot because I called him in October to beg for proof that my rental car was necessary. The car was finished on a Friday but I picked it up on Tuesday. How much was that rental per day? Insurance should pay for my rental car, regardless! Who cares how long I had it? How long was that anyway? I have no idea but I should know. They will want to know. I’m already overdrawn anyway though… Whats’s another couple hundred bucks? I’m willing to sacrifice cash if I can just forget about all the steps it would take to get it back. Do I have cash for soda today? I definitely have no time for coffee. Shit, I need quarters for laundry. I have coin rolling paper but no coins. I wonder if there is a machine that makes coin rolling paper or if somebody rolls it by hand. A person in history invented paper coin rolls. How’d they decide how many coins go in each roll? Is it different in Canada? Shit, I think at least two of my quarters are Canadian and that piece of crap washer won’t take them.

Peter Paul and Mary. Mary was kind of a husky lady and people loved her. She’s All About That Bass. Why the obsession with skinny ass autotune freaks anyway?  Wait why the hell am i thinking about Peter Paul and Mary? I’ve got that garden song in my head.

“Inch by inch, row by row.

Gonna make this garden grow.

All it takes is a rake and a hoe

and a piece of fertile ground”

I love that song! It reminds me of Richmond Elementary School and that fundraiser for a new playground that I never got to play on. This girl once broke her foot jumping off the old climber when the bell rang. I think her name was Ashley Foote but it’s possible I just think it was her because her last name is Foote. If it was her though, that’s kind of hilarious. Oh, Russells is having a sale on garden tools. Maybe that’s why I had garden on the brain. I wish I could eat raw snap peas without getting itchy.

Wait, where is my spider plant? It’s still on the damn balcony. What temperature kills a spider plant?

“Siri, what temperature kills a spider plant”

“I’m really sorry about this, but I can’t take any requests right now.”

Really? What good are you?? What the hell kind of name is Siri anyway? Tom Cruise’s daughter’s name is Suri. I bet they sit around the dinner table making jokes about the similarities between Suri and Siri. And how Suri is better because she can answer a simple fucking question.

Oh, heres’s my turn. No coffee today. I’m late. I hope my deodorant is still in my work bag. Whatever. Smells are natural. Ugh I hate teenagers. Thank god I work in preschool. Who is this idiot in my parking spot?

FUCK it’s 7:15! Can I get upstairs in less than one minute? Where’s my phone? In my hand. Keys? Check. Purse. Check.

Ok here we go.

Thank you, dear Preschool-Jesus, nobody is here yet. Why am I carrying this bag of old laundry???

Ok, Shit. Deodorant is definitely still in the car but thankfully I instead brought in this bag of dirty shirts from last weekend. That’s helpful. What day is this? OOH quarters in my coat pocket! Wait! Why are all of my fucking quarters fucking Canadian?? I can’t wash clothes OR get caffeine. SERENITY NOW!

Taking down the chairs is not my favorite activity. I’m sweating now and I have no deodorant.

Ok kids are here.

“Let’s color! Good Morning! Happy Thanksgiving! Safe Travels!”

*LOL… armpits.*

“Hello?? Are you listening? I need to borrow CandyLand for my classroom today.”

“I’m sorry, what? When did you get here? I was thinking about armpits. Hey do you have a quarter?”