I had such high expectations for this blog when I started it. Unfortunately, like most things in my life, the ADHD diagnosis and discovery process lost its sparkle after a while and back to my old habits I went.
But the few comments I did receive were so validating to me. I spent so much time searching the internet for someone who could describe how I was feeling and how i operate. I want to just describe what I’m dealing with so it’s at least available for someone to read even if I can’t offer any good solutions.
Question: Do any of you with attention issues (diagnosed or not) feel that you are REALLY good at avoiding things or people or situations or MESSES that stress you out? I have an amazing ability to say “no, no, i can’t think about my messy living room right now” to the point that I don’t even sit in it anymore, nevermind dare to let another human being see it. It’s not that it doesn’t bother me. But it is so much easier to shut down and ignore it than it is to face it and find a way to maintain a BALANCED set of habits. I know my environment affects me in a big way. But I am so easily overwhelmed and so happily engaged by video games or tv or books or Skype or anything at all that takes my mind off things that seem too hard to even start.
Logically, I know everything would be easier in the long run if I just kept up with basic things (cleaning, money, etc) on a regular basis. But in the moment, I can’t bring myself to think about them until they are screaming in my face and demanding immediate attention. When there’s a crisis, I deal. Otherwise, you can find me on minecraft.
Adderall is a wonderful thing. It makes me enjoy the basic act of existing. It reminds me of how I feel coming out of a really good movie. I want to sit down and write something, or talk to people, or just feel good. But unlike a good movie, adderall lasts all day. It makes my job fun, takes away the constant need to get the hell out of wherever I am.
But….. Guess what! If I don’t change my habits, I end up taking the benefits of adderall and using them to be REALLY efficient at a lot of REALLY pointless things while happily ignoring all of the stupid tasks I needed help with in the first place. Sure, with meds, it is easier to clean for a long time or start (and finish) a project at work. But I still have to make the choice to start. And I really have not been making that choice.
You could compare my efforts to strengthening a muscle. Every time I walk away from the computer and do something I don’t want to do (but that needs to be done), I’m strengthening that part of me that disregards immediate gratification. But, I just haven’t been doing that. I live in the moment. Every single moment matters when it is happening and not a moment before.
I know there’s a way to get things moving in the right direction. But how do I get there when I find it so hard to even start?